Welcome, friends, to the Holy Caffeinate. I am Archbishop
Oral, and I can be your guide to the everlasting Kingdom of Java if you
believe in the healing power of caffeine. Friends, the path to inner enlightenment
through the grinding and consumption of the glorious coffee bean is often
marred with pitfalls of indecision. Many pretenders come up to us every
day with promises of a better life through their mochas and espressos.
But, the truth of the matter is that it makes no difference how you take
it. All that matters is that you allow the righteous rush of the substance
to enter your veins, and you will feel the power of it come upon you and
carry you into a land of heightened awareness of unparalleled proportions:
the ultimate adrenal ecstasy! But sometimes it's not so easy, friends.
Sometimes Satan, in all of his twisted trickery, will make it more difficult
for you to have your caffeine in the morning. He may sneak into your kitchen
at night, and put your coffee somewhere you can't find it, or take the
last of it for himself, leaving you to cast false blame on your loving
spouse when morning comes. Or sometimes, he will titillate you with whispered
lies about his own dark invention, the dreaded "Decaf!" You see,
friends, Satan knows that if you begin to partake of the one true caffeine,
you will be more awake, aware, alert and able to find him out more easily.
So he broadcasts his lying television commercials with people getting up
in the morning, drinking his accursed Decaf and somehow, by some unnatural
and unholy ritual, being woken up by it and given the energy to face the
day. But don't be fooled by it, friends! Those actors are filled with Satan's
dark, drug-enhanced energy! He wants to turn this world into a shrunken,
decaffeinated, bleary-eyed land of groaning misfits thumping around in
the dark and never getting out of bed until 2 PM! But you can change all
that. Satan is like that old, hardened, blackened coffee bean that just
won't come out right. But you've got to grab him by his tough shell and
grind him up in the Cuisinart of Redemption, pour the Scalding Water of
Salvation all over him and strain him through the Filter of Righteousness!
Friends, for a small contribution, we will send you our thanks and prayers
and help you to pick up that old and cracked coffee pot of truth and pour
yourself a cup of enlightenment! The number is on your screen. Now, let
us pause for a moment of prayer, reflection, and an important message from
Sanka.
Abduction Etiquette
Hey, everybody! You never know when you'll be visited
by extra-terrestrials, but that's no excuse to be unprepared when it happens.
So here are a few tips to make sure your abduction goes as smoothly as
possible. Now, the first thing to consider when the aliens come is that
they'll have to land somewhere. That'll usually be your back yard. So,
make sure you clear plenty of space for them. Get that birdbath out of
the way and clear away any excess lawn furniture you have back there, because
even though they'll be sending one of their smaller scout ships you never
know when they'll want to bring the probe along with them. Most people
have the misconception that the aliens will come into their house through
the window or the back door, but in fact what they prefer is to simply
pass through the walls. This means that you'll have to make sure your wallpaper
is wrinkle-free - remember, you can always use an iron to smooth it out.
There is nothing more embarrassing than meeting someone from another planet
for the first time and having to find out from them that your wallpaper
isn't on right. Now, once the aliens are in your house, they'll pretty
much head right to your bedroom. But before they levitate you up out of
your bed, you should welcome them to your home, just like you would any
other visitor. You may not be familiar with the etiquette for this kind
of situation, but don't let that discourage you. It's perfectly acceptable
to offer them some refreshments and engage them in light conversation.
Remember that even though you're being abducted you still have your duty
to be a good host or hostess. The aliens will really appreciate it. Once
you're on board their ship, they'll want to probe you anally. Don't get
upset about this. Remember that you're dealing with an alien society that
doesn't have the same viewpoints or inhibitions that we do. They're looking
with the same clinical detachment that most doctors would. Besides, it
can be quite a pleasurable experience once they get into it. Once they've
finished probing and they've taken any cell samples they may need, the
aliens will put you right back in bed where they found you. At this point,
do not start bogging them down with questions. They've got a lot of other
people to get to and, quite frankly, while the aliens are great at small
talk, they're not very good with the bigger issues. So, just let them go
on to the next house. If you follow these easy steps, you can be sure that
your alien abduction will be quick and painless and your homemaking skills
will become the talk of the galaxy!
Chernobyl Resort
Ah, good afternoon, sir. Welcome to Chernobyl Resort,
the first hotel to be built on a former nuclear testing ground. We hope
you will have a pleasant (albeit a brief) stay. Let me take your suitcase.
This way, sir. You are in Bungalow Number 25. As we pass by the garden,
you will notice that our plants are much larger than those found in the
United States. What's that? No sir, that is not a rubber tree. It is a
petunia. Not too close, sir. It hasn't been sprayed for insects just yet.
This is because those insects we don't exterminate are recruited as bellhops
and we want to see how our newest batch turns out before we spray the rest.
We had been getting some complaints that they were chewing on the luggage,
but we have that relatively under control now. As we head past the jungle
overlook and onto the shore, here, you may notice a not unpleasant, heady
feeling in the air. This is a perfectly natural sensation for all of our
guests. If you begin to feel a bit dizzy, just tell one of our staff doctors.
They're everywhere, as you can see. No, not that one, sir. That is one
of the rare members of the fauna indigenous only to this island, the elusive
five-tailed monkey. No, wait… six-tailed monkey. I am sorry, sir -
it is hard to tell at this distance and I am still getting used to this
third eye. At any rate, on this stretch of the beach, we have volleyball
games in the mornings and bocce tournaments in the late afternoon with
non-stop fun and excitement in between. No, I'm afraid we cannot let you
go in the water. The sharks have asked that we not allow any swimming.
They are usually very friendly, but they can't be held responsible for
any accidents that might occur during their feeding time. Since the local
fish developed language skills, the government has been kind enough to
grant them amnesty, so if anything unfortunate were to happen the resort
would still be held liable. Well, here we are, sir. Bungalow Twenty-F…
sir?
(sigh)
Already? Ohar! Get the wagon! We've got another one. Next
time we get someone his age, we'd better give him a closer bungalow!